End of the weekend on The Fringe

The weekend has past and I must get ready for the week ahead.  My lady is still in the hospital and I will spend time there.

I realized this weekend and have kind of known all along that I live in a different world from my family.  I really don't belong in their world.  Do I just agree and go on, not expressing my opinion that nobody really cares about, or do I stand of up for my morals and beliefs? That consistently get shot down as though I am stupid... don't know what to do, It is a horrible way to live.  I never feel like I make a difference  although I am told by those said loved ones, I am appreciated. I don't always feel that. why do I feel alone in this world?

I thinking I am not a strong person.  I want to be loved and in love but I am afraid.  I have made a date with my Sister-in-law to garner her opinion as to weather it is worth moving forward with pursueing to try to find a relationship.  I hear from so many that it is better to be alone, but do they know as they aren't living my life?  Is it better to have never had those feelings, or have them and still be alone?  I am confused by life and question constantly my worth.  How can I give of myself, when I don't really like me and don't know how to change me so that I will like me.

Maybe I will just stay on The Fringe of Life and try to be content.

To be content is item 3 on my bucket list....

Until next time,
Susan the fringe dweller

Castle, on the Fringe

Just watched Castle and it made me cry... I realized, I have no one to check for monsters under my bed, I have to do that myself and I am alone...

A restful day.....

I went to the village to ease my mind,
To see the sites to feel the mood
I breathed the air and prayed for peace
The geese called my name and I answered
To fly away and worry not
They left without me
Alone, I return to my world



I went for a walked with Crane and Saki, we got coffee and went to the post office and then the store, they were good,  and the walk felt wonderful.  I sat down to write this blog and the above poem came out.
Back to a previous post, I still want to run away.  I wanted to go to a counselor but I can't afford it, so I am going to try, (no real expectation) to heal myself by walking and writing.  I am wishing my self luck.
This blog will reap the rewards or failures, but I will try.

From The Fringe on a Saturday..
S

Tuesday, Tuesday...

Good evening, my, this day was long....I was so cold this morning, and my coat was in the car because it was so nice yesterday, I left it there...it is in the house tonight...not thinking it going to be warm tomorrow.  

I think, therefore........and that gets me into trouble.  Bet you thought I was going to say I am...haha. But thinking get me personally into trouble, I work thoughts and chew on them, but do I spit them out?  No.  I just masticate them more and then I always figure it's me..I am wrong, don't have the right to think my thoughts, not feel what I feel...why do I do this? Not sure, but think it's that fringe thing...I always took someone else's  stand, someone else's dream, someone elses thoughts.....never my own, I never felt worthy. Still don't.  I was weak and I think I still might be....
Well, Tuesday is almost gone, and a new day will begin, and I will start again, hopefully not like today...after all there is always hope.

From the lonely fringe,
S

Monday Evening from the Fringe

Good evening my lovelies...it has been a day.  With in my old job, I started a new job with the same person, but different companies.  Strange as it sounds, I am still working for the old company too...

Still wanting to run away and leave my crazy life...I just want to sit on a beach and listen to the waves and read...for many, many days. 






Maybe someday.....

Until that day........or tomorrow,
From the Fringe,
Susan

Run, run, run ,run runaway....

Sometimes I just wish I could run away...but, the responsible one in me know I can't. I feel so frustrated that I have to wait for everything....I have been waiting my whole life..and I am tired, just plum tired, and worn out. Will it ever get easier to live? I made it through my own personal hell week, the week I lost Mom and all the memories that brought, and the guilt. I don't think that will ever get easier. Every time I try to step from the fringe, I get reminded, I guess that it is there that I belong. Will I never get to live off the edge of life? Will I ever succeed? I don't know how to do this... I'm tired. So I will stay for now on the edge of life, on The Fringe of Life... until I dare to step off, S

Long, long time ago.......

Is it really the 29th of September? Where did 7 months go? I have been busy and depressed, not really interested in doing much more than work and listen to books and read on my kindle. I have jumped into a world of literacy. It is safe there and if I don't like something, I just go to another neighborhood in a different book. I did go to a concert with my sister and niece, we went to Bethel, NY and saw Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean...it was a wonderful concert, the weather was great and the music and company were fantastic. I have lost a lot of people in my circle and I hate it...my friend Jo in March and Janet in May and Joan in April. Sue and Sonnie in September and then there are many that I just knew. I am going to try to use my blog to straighten out my brain.. I hope it works, Until next time, from the ruffled fringe, S

Birthday Wishes for Dad

Today would have my Dad's Birthday, he would have been 79. He died too young at 56. I thought at the time he was older, not old but as my Dad he had age. Now as I am 52, I see he was so young. He was robbed of so much.

Cancer is a very ugly, non discriminating disease. I have lost my Dad, my Mom, Uncle's and Aunt's, Cousin's and Friends, to this. I would never wish this on anyone, no matter how bad they are.
So, Happy Birthday Dad, sorry I couldn't get to know you better.

Sadly from the fringe,
Susan

A cold day on the fringe.....

Still sporting my sugar high, albeit better, but still elevated. The 'happy pills' are helping, they have taking off the edge, still find I cry....a lot.

I have felt lonely on the fringe for so many years, always hoping to find that someone...when will I learn not to hope? I guess without hope , one would die...
not sure reading the "brain-candy" books are helping, as much as they are enjoyable, they make me believe that true love, or even love are not in the cards for me and it is making me feel more lonely and sad. I asked for God to send me someone to love me, and I think that he sent my animals. Not that this is a bad thing but I kind of was hoping for a man. I have been wishing and hoping for someone to love me..just me as a person, not sister, daughter, aunt or niece and cousin, but me....

For so many years, you'd have to admire my persistence, but laugh that I don't get it....haha.

On the brink of my 'real' birthday, as I turn 13 again, I stand stoically on the fringe.....
Susan

Monday...

Still sporting my sugar high...I was hoping my religious use of my medicine would make a difference....not so far.

Started the pellet stove today, feels warm and cozy. Bob thinks it is fascinating watching the flames. A boy after my own heart!

Hoping things get better on the fringe..
Susan

Gnothi Seauton

Saturday......

Good morning from the frozen fringe, it snowed a little overnight, and my nice neighbor shoveled my driveway. I had done it last night....about 3 inches worth.
Blood sugar 172 this morning, and it's now 283 about an hour after eating. I will be glad when I can get this under control. I feel awful. I am tired of sugar highs and weepy days... and worse I know I don't need to feel this way and then whine about it, but I'm tired of being good. I know indulging myself is not great but once in a while I think I can do this.

Soon I will get into why I am fringe-like, I know I said I would tell but life got in the way...I feel the need to clear my thoughts....
until then...
Susan

Ty Herndon - Journey On (2010 Video & Lyrics)

Ty Herndon - Journey On (2010 Video & Lyrics)


I have always ALWAYS loved Ty Herndon and his music...this video and song are just icing on the cake of my affection for this man. Right now this song is my rope ladder for making my way out of the hole. I can make it.
I am still "sweet" as ever, I will be glad when this portion of my life goes away...289 after shoveling ice and snow...
I am trying not to stress because that drives it higher....deep calming breaths..in..out..in..out

Please watch the video~~~peace
From the icy fringe
Susan

Wednesday you are a good day...

some days are nicer, some are nasty. The sun was shining and even in my hole, I could see and feel it shine. My Doctor's instructions...Stay happy, healthy and keep exercising. She rocks, she was so kind to me..what more could you ask? They took a ton of blood and hopefully my sugars aren't to shocking, I may need to go up on my diabetes medicine. I have a new anti-depressant and we will see if that works...

So hopefully soon, no more sugar highs nor lows to my toes...at least this is my wish and hope. My dull mean head will once again be clear. My eyes may actually stop leaking.
I am not going to set to much store that I will be perfect so that I may actually step off the fringe but there may be hope. I believe that I may never be able to fully step off the fringe but maybe be able to take an afternoon off :)

I am taking steps towards a healthier me.. I was going to say better..but I haven't changed internally.

Live your life and forget your age...Thank you Norman Vincent Peale!
From the hole under the fringe....
Susan

Sunday

I am still suffering the sugar high blues....
I am so tired and cranky. The dogs and cats will be happy when I get my sugars under control, I get really short with them I try not to but having high sugars are not pleasant. I just wonder how much damage, being on the fringe of really high sugars is doing to me... see I really do spend my life on the fringe.
Goodnight .....peace
Susan and the Zoo

Come Saturday morning......

Good morning from the fringe, sugar a little lower at 189..still not great, suffering from a headache, you know one of those annoying dull ones.....

It is springlike here today. I know we are going to pay for this and I hope we are not sorry. I still wouldn't give up this nice weather.

I still have my friends dog she is doing well, my cats...not so much she really just wants to play but they are a little twerped out. Not sure when she will be well enough to take her back.

My adopted soldier's boat was part of the rescue of the Iranians.. I am so proud. Even though they are our enemy we still do the right thing. I am sure this will not make any difference in our relationship with Iran but we did the right thing.

Well off to make breakfast, something high in protein and low in carbs...
Have a great day, from the fringe...peace
Susan

342 Days, 1 Hours 36 Minutes and a bunch of seconds....The Hobbit
180 Days, 22 Hours 36 Minutes and a bunch of seconds....Gettysburg
52 Days, 13 Hours 36 Minutes and a bunch of seconds....13 Again

Crying on the fringe

I have managed to cry at all the jobs I worked at today....no one knew, sometimes I would just spill the tears slowly and then once I was sobbing...silly I know, good thing no one knew. Thankfully I work alone mostly!

I was going to say not sure why but I know why, I am lonely. I am reading/listening to books for pleasure, brain-candy, my sister-in-law says, but it makes me wish for a mate, friend, lover, confidant, sparing partner. "I want the fairytale" (Pretty Woman). Unrealistic I know but I have waited a long time for my prince and shouldn't I get what I want? Probably not....tears are flowing right now as I type this....

Don't think I am in my feel sorry for Susan mode, but I could be, it's very fringe-like for me to love from afar, romance in my head and try to make it seem real...just that lately it isn't enough. It isn't satisfying this time to dream.
Maybe it is my diabetic sugar high I have been riding on for the last few days.... I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV. :)

Seeing my prime-care person on Tuesday and maybe once I come off my sugar high, I will be back to normal and be able to not wish for the fairytale and go back to being fringe-like, so I don't need to step off and find that one person I have been wishing for.

Well, off to walk the dogs, hope my blood sugar comes down and I am 'normal' again...
From the fringe...peace
Susan

Thursday from the fringe.....

Really feel fringe-like today. Seems like the wind is blowing through my fringe...almost falling off...
Trying to stay balanced but it is hard today.....






343Days, 15 Hours,0 Minutes... The Hobbit
54Days, 5 Hours, 0 Minutes...13 again
182Days, 12 Hours,0 Minutes... Gettysburg

Bad diabetes day

Hello, its been a bad diabetes day, sugar is high and has been most of the day....its 259 right now I got up and did somethings hoping it would go down. nada....
I don't feel too well and not really up to blogging.

345 Days, 14 Hours 14 Minutes and a bunch of seconds....The Hobbit
184 Days, 15 Hours 14 Minutes and a bunch of seconds....Gettysburg
56 Days, 6 Hours 14 Minutes and a bunch of seconds....13 Again

So from the fringe think low blood sugar
Gnight


Bye, bye and buy bonds....online

Winter is upon us.....

Hello day two 2012 you sure were an interesting day... Work and a visit to a friend in the hospital.
Listened to Alone by Lisa Gardner to and from work, then a Nora Roberts book in the afternoon.
Football games on TV so nothing much to do.
The weather reports of lake effect snow, not sure how much we will get but any snow is too much in my opinion. Then the temperatures are going to drop with a high of 16 tomorrow and my lady I work for has a doctors appointment.
My countdown is now going to be here,
346 Days, 18 Hours 22 Minutes and a bunch of seconds....The Hobbit
185 Days, 15 Hours 21 Minutes and a bunch of seconds....Gettysburg
57 Days, 6 Hours 21 Minutes and a bunch of seconds....13 Again

Same breakfast as yesterday, oatmeal, walnuts, and apples, coffee... cake at Deb's lunch was cheese and pretzels and an ice cream sandwich. A bowl of cereal, and chicken and carrots for dinner. YUM

Wren still here and doing okay, a little nervous and noises are hard on her, fun walking with trucks and stuff outside.
I wasn't much on the fringe but standing on the rug....
bye,bye and buy bonds...online

Welcome 2012

Good Morning 2012, I hope you are better than your predecessor. I wish you you dear 2012 a time without war, pain, unhappiness and ill health. I know this can not be but i can dream. I watched 2011 go and you arrive with bells whistles and cheering albeit on television, it was quiet here in Richfield Springs. The dogs and I wandered into your clean crisp night and welcomed you through the stars and clouds and mist, it was lightly raining.
The morning has brought a spring-like feel and the sun is shining. Thank you.

I wait in anticipation for what you are to bare in the coming year. Please be kind to man-kind although we are not always kind to you.
God Bless you.

From the fringe...peace

Bye, bye and buy bonds....online