Thursday's with Susan

This is the way I feel today!  I have been out of sorts and beige.  I was supposed to go to my brother's but I had a meeting.  The meeting was cancelled, so I will still go tomorrow as I told him I would.  I missed posting yesterday as I was just being lazy,  we had chicken and biscuits and carrots.  Today was wrap day. ham and cheese or buffalo chicken with pinto bean salad.I was irritable all day.  Not sure excatly what is wrong.  I am just trying to keep breathing.  

Man list item I would like him to hold my hand even if we are sitting on the sofa. 

Well off to do something constructive, 

From the cold but sunny fringe, 

Susan

Tuesday's with Mary

School days, school days dear old golden rule days.....A good day at work, macaroni and cheese, broccoli, not too bad serving, mac was kind of dry and hard to get out of the pan.  But all in all okay.  I have thought about last nights 'just more thing' post.  I know I need to change the way my life is going, after all, five years of the same things, just said a tad differently.  Si, I tell myself, I have talked with my self most of the day.  What pray tell am I going to do??   I don't know, says, I.  And I don't know, wish I did though.  I will continue to roll it around in my head maybe it will fall into place. 

its 2* outside and I am so tired of it.  Nobody wants to go out to the bathroom, can't blame then but still.....  Well enough is enough..

Man list item--a guy who will dance with me in the middle of the room with no music playing.

From the sad and lonely and cold fringe,
Susan the sad

Just one more thing......

I just went back and read my posts from the beginning, wow, not much has changed since I started this, all the promises I made, not accomplished, all the boasting...not accomplished.  All the changes I was going to make...not accomplished.   What in the hell am I doing? 

I read about my feelings about my Mom, how she made me stronger, gave me the tools, I am beginning to think that isn't it.  I have been pondering lately if she really even liked me.  I think she loved me as her child but liking me?   Not so much.  I think she was stuck with me, tolerated me as I was the only child not to have left the nest, I actually was going to say escape the nest.  My siblings had it right, no wonder I am screwed up.  Kind of hard to accept.  I wonder if she would have liked me if I had moved out, I never really grew up as I was still the child in the parents home, having never lived on my own before her death.  I did grow up, but I think my siblings think I am still a child, I hear a lot from my sister and niece that even though I don't "agree" with some of their ideas about life, they 'love' me anyway.  Sort of patting me on my head like a good girl.  Poor Susan she just isn't quite grown up so she has to be placated.

Someone help me....my God,  I'm pathetic. 

Crawling back to my safe place on the fringe, oh hell all the way onto the rug...
Susan

Another clean slate day...aka... Monday

Well, I did nearly nothing yesterday, my second healthy day off... next weekend, I will, it was just kind of nice to not do anything.  I did watch movies and TV shows.  I wrote on my blog on Saturday.  so I wasn't a complete slacker.

Another man list item...he has only eyes for me.

Monday brought a windy morning that turns to snow and then snow squalls.  Before I punched out from school the sun was shining, bitterly cold.  We had chicken/fish patties, smiley face fries, and corn.  A really popular meal. Not bad to serve either.  Tomorrow is macaroni and cheese.  I bought Mary's pumpkin butter so that is done.  I will get back 11.50 towards my nieces phone of 65.00.  Funny, I can keep paying but I'm not getting the work back.  Our deal was she would come at least once a month and clean, like I do for my brother.  When they were moving I let her off but that ended first part of January.  Oh well, it is still cheaper than before, when there was no plan in place.  I have only gotten two payments from my sister.  I was supposed to get 50.00 a month from her until tax time.  I am afraid I won't get my loan back when her taxes come in.  rekcuS on my forehead.

Well I guess I am done whining.  Maybe...

From the very cold fringe,
Susan

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y......

It is Saturday, my first healthy day off and the first of many!!!  Yay!!!  I haven't posted as I said I would, I have been sick with a cold and between work and life, I just haven't made the time.  I have been in bed by 8:30 most nights, trying to get as much sleep as possible.  As it happens I awake three to four times a night, gotta love menopause.  Not.  But at least I go right back to sleep..mostly anyway.
My last weekend at the store went uneventfully.  I am glad it is over, I just hope I can make it financially.  I can, but its scary. I just need to make a plan and stick to it.  As far as my man-list, I haven't really worked on it, but I will, with all this time off, I can.  I decided today I am not going to do much housework, I will tackle that tomorrow, mu other day off....I love saying that!!!

One man-list item, I wish for a kind man, a hugger and listener.    Okay three man-list items.

Well off to do nothing, I may post later,
From the day-off fringe,
Susan

The middle of the week

It is Wednesday, I have been remiss in posting, I worked Sunday at the store, my manager drives me insane, she was there until 12:30 I thought she would be gone before 10, she said she had to be gone..oh well, one more weekend until I am done! Went back to work at the school, tacos on Monday, chicken nuggets on Tuesday and breakfast for lunch, what a fun meal to serve, seriously!!  It's a meal they love and we sold a lot of them!  Egg patty, sausage and 2 little pancakes, fun.

I have cleaned three houses, and tomorrow is my elder brother's.  I have to take the gifts...

I am still sad, funny how that can be when I have such fun at the school.  Underlying though is this heaviness of longing and subsequently sadness.  I am making up a wish list for the man I would want.  I will post it here tomorrow.

Off to walk the babies for last call, Crane has been whining for 10 minutes.

Until tomorrow from the fringe,
Susan the sad

Saturday, saturday...

Saturday, Saturday...well I worked the first of four days left.  I am happy, maybe a tad sad as I will miss some of the people.  I think I am just on very content with my life.  I hope once I settle with my week of work then days off, things will fall into place, I fear this isn't going to happen. 

I am just sad...

Off to walk the pups, then to bed,
From the Fringe,
Susan

TGIF

I am so glad part of my work week is over.  I really love my new job, but it was a stressful one this week.  But I made it through, body all aching and racked with pain though..

Store work tomorrow just 9 to 4:30 so that will be good.  Same for Sunday.  Then only one more weekend. 

I have had the roller coaster of emotions this week, I laughed, cried, hated, loved and been sad.  Is everyone's life like this?  Why does it seem it is only me?  Maybe because I pour my heart out to a blog, it can't give me any advice or a hug, it does give me a place to vent.  But it's lonely, I'm lonely.  I like being alone, but I am really hating being lonely.

Just throwing that out there if anyone is listening. 

Well the pups need 'last-call' then off to bed for me.  So sleep well world, until later.
From the Fringe,
Susan

It is Thursday, I am tired

I just feel so tired tonight, I worked, went and paid for my van and took the title and got the few things that were still in it, plus the battery.  Then I went to my brothers to clean and pay my rent, I didn't get home until six thirty.  I watched two shows on netflix and went to see what was available on Hulu, one show being the bachelor which aired on Monday.   But I won't be able to see it until eight days have passed, you see ABC wants me to watch it Monday night, but I can't as I need to go to bed and sleep, so I like to watch it around six at night the next day, well not now, so if I wait, chances are I am going to know who was let go at the rose ceremony and it will ruin it.  Fox does the same thing.  I have cable, but my brother pays for it and I do not know his password nor should  I have to,  as I pay for Huluplus.  That should be enough, but it is not.  Guess I really don't want to see the bachelor after all.
And I hate that my viewing rights have been taken away.  ABC you suck!
Well I guess I stepped off the fringe on that one.
Ninth day of the fresh new year.  Still cold, still winter, Still tired and off to bed, the dogs are walked, the cats fed and I need to sleep.

From the arctic fringe,
Susan

Just another day in.....

Paradise, nope.

It is Wednesday, it is cold, and it is almost over.  It was an extremely busy day, I cut lettuce, chopped tomatoes, dished fruited jello, washed dishes, carried trays, sorted silverware, fed the masses.  Then I went and cleaned a house that is not mine, and have to go back for my money as they didn't leave it out for me.  Even though I talked with the husband last night and said I would be there today.  It's my usual day so I don't get it.  Good thing I didn't need it right away.  But their house is clean, and I will get the money Friday.  I have another to clean tomorrow after work and Friday also a house to clean after work.  Then I have to work at the store, my second of the last two weekends I promised I would work.  Then maybe I will be able to clean my own house.

On this eighth day of the fresh new year, I have worked and worked until my fingers are sore (literally) and I'll be damned if I'll work anymore.  Well, at least for tonight.

No pithy words for tonight as I am so very tired.
So another day has ended form the Fringe, I shall bid you all a goodnight,
Fringe hugger,
Susan

Tuesdays with Susan

On this seventh day of the fresh new year, I am cold cold cold.  minus three this morning, I think it 'warmed' up to 4 (we're having a heat wave a tropical heat wave..in sing-songy voice).  It is now back to minus three,  I know I live in the north and should expect this, but with age it is getting harder to bear.  It is also getting harder to bare.... oneself to the elements.  Ha ha to my little grammar lesson.  My dogs are really suffering as they just make it out back and the come right back in.  They are missing the long walks and so frankly am I.

I am so mentally messed up, I put on this "coat" that helps me through the day.  It is the 'me' I want people to perceive, but it isn't necessarily 'me'.  So I go on..baby steps off the fringe never going far enough that I can't jump back with one or two hops and I am safe once again.  Holding tight to the fringe.  I was reading a book today that had the woman putting herself out there to be loved and accepted.  She had been misused by a former flame and she was fearful of allowing someone in.  I was jealous of her, I want to be loved and accepted.  I want someone to choose me, pick--me, love---me. But how I ask?   Can anyone do that when I am hiding here on the fringe, looking out towards the world afraid to take those steps off and remain off the edge?  Many years I have pondered this, at first I was shy and overweight, then I became just overweight and felt I wasn't worth much, then I lost the weight but was then again shy. I was still able to work and have friends, not the kind you hang out with, the older ones from work, not the datable ones.  Then my parents became ill and life was never the same, I was the child who was unattached and lived at home so I became caregiver.  I wouldn't change that role it was rewarding, yet so very difficult and painful. Having to become the decision maker in your parents home, taking on that role, when minds are still intact but they body is weak. So for many years I was not able to venture far being the total caregiver.   I am not worldly and now that I am of an age..it is so much harder to venture forth.  Wow, I am wordy tonight, I have had a lot on my mind, and this is just the tip of the iceberg that is my life.  (Remember minus three???? LOL).  It is good I can still find things to laugh at, after all there is always hope, my favorite word..HOPE.

Well, off to warm my toes, rest well,
From the icy fringe,
Susan

Monday, Monday...

The sixth day of the fresh new year..started out at 45 degrees and it is now 13 degrees, wind chills tomorrow may go as low as minus 30 I am waiting impatiently for spring.

I tried to step off the fringe today, but I don't think I am a strong person.  I get defensive if my stepping off doesn't work.  I wish I could remedy this problem.  I try the mantra, my feelings do count, I am a good person even if I don't agree with you, I have a right to my feelings.  But then I jump right back on the fringe and quiver with indecision. I guess 40 plus years of living on the sidelines can't be fixed quickly, but seriously.... it's better but I would love to be able to cut off the fringe. It's getting all tangled and I am getting tired of trying to keep it straight and unruffled.

I went back to work today after two weeks off.  Although I worked most of those two weeks, I still had to clean my houses and work at the store on the weekends.  I will be so glad when I am done.  Two more weekends.

Well off to the warmth of my bed,  toes wrapped in the fringe,
Susan

Saturday and I can feel my toes

I helped move my sister, although she didn't help..her daughter, my niece did, we worked all day and finally got most of the stuff out of the old into the new.  They will have to finish tomorrow as we ran out of daylight.  I could say so much more but it won't change anything.  I get so frustrated sometimes I can't stand it.  But I have never been able to win.  I decided not to bring the bureau home, It's in kind of rough shape and I don't have the room.  Plus I am just so damn tired.  But my sisterly and auntly duty is done.  God bless the fourth day of the fresh new year.  It was so cold there with no heat in the house.  We made many trips as I couldn't get the seat out of my van.  But it was good so we could warm up between trips.  One bonus I don't have to unpack it.  Yeah!!! So off to bed because I just can't say no and I am greedy I agreed to open the store tomorrow.  I guess if I have to work I might as well do 10 hours instead of 8.  Well off to dreamland and a warm bed,
Saturday from the cold fringe,
Susan

Icy from the Fringe

Day three of the new fresh year and it is sub zero temperatures.  I have moved all the snow I want to.  I am helping my sister move tomorrow.  Will be glad to be done with it.  Bringing home a bureau too. I finished watching season one of Hart of Dixie.  Finished Flashpoint totally, good show wish it had gone on longer.  I finished my two books and reading a third, A Time to Love by Barbara Cameron.  Will listen to an old audio tonight.
Well off to slumberland,
With frozen feet, from the Fringe,
Susan

Day Two of the fresh new year

Day two and I am sick of shoveling snow.  Bite me fresh new year.  I couldn't go clean and probably not tomorrow either.  It is supposed to be sub zero temperatures.  I got paid from the store, Christmas pay so my check was more than I thought.  Should get the school check tomorrow will be interested in what that will be.
More snow overnight, an additional 5-7 inches..oh joy.  Well off to sleep for day three of the fresh new year and more snow to shovel.
From a cold and blustery fringe,
Susan

Day One of 2014

Well, I already failed at three things I was going not to do, at least on the first day of the new fresh year, I was not going to cry...fail.  I was not going to swear...fail.  I was not going to be bitchy and think ill thoughts...fail.  I did however make a few people laugh and smile.  I called my cousin, texted with my Chicago brother, albeit briefly...win.  So all in all, I think it evened itself out.  I did post on my blog, first of the new fresh year...win.

So I am going to bed at 9:22 on the first day of the new fresh year because it is supposed to snow six to twelve inches and I have much to do tomorrow, besides moving that snow.  I did move the van closer to the road so I can make a quicker escape without moving the whole driveway of snow...win.

So goodnight people, hoping to win at my fails and improve on my wins tomorrow.  No resolutions but hope.

Goodnight from The Fringe,
Susan