I just went back and read my posts from the beginning, wow, not much has changed since I started this, all the promises I made, not accomplished, all the boasting...not accomplished. All the changes I was going to make...not accomplished. What in the hell am I doing?
I read about my feelings about my Mom, how she made me stronger, gave me the tools, I am beginning to think that isn't it. I have been pondering lately if she really even liked me. I think she loved me as her child but liking me? Not so much. I think she was stuck with me, tolerated me as I was the only child not to have left the nest, I actually was going to say escape the nest. My siblings had it right, no wonder I am screwed up. Kind of hard to accept. I wonder if she would have liked me if I had moved out, I never really grew up as I was still the child in the parents home, having never lived on my own before her death. I did grow up, but I think my siblings think I am still a child, I hear a lot from my sister and niece that even though I don't "agree" with some of their ideas about life, they 'love' me anyway. Sort of patting me on my head like a good girl. Poor Susan she just isn't quite grown up so she has to be placated.
Someone help me....my God, I'm pathetic.
Crawling back to my safe place on the fringe, oh hell all the way onto the rug...
Susan
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